Funny Quotes

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

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Everybody lies, but it doesn�t matter since nobody listens.

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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.

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There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.

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A nickel isn’t worth a dime anymore.

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Women are scientifically proven to be right even when they are wrong.

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As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

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As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

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Be obscure clearly.

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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

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There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.

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I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

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I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

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Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

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It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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A hard man is good to find.

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A man in the house is worth two in the street.

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Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.

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I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.

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I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes.

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A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

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A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

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Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

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Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

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